Vincent Van Gogh history
is a cataclysm in your head. You question everything. You sink into a deep
depression...Your parents are sorry to see you in this state. Your first big
crisis. How could you be helped? You reread Renan:
Man didnt come on earth to act suitably in this world. He is here to achieve gret things for humankind, to achieve nobility, and overwhelm the ordinariness most human beings languish in.
After the holiday in Helvoirt, your sister returns to London with you. She is looking for a position. You live together. You try to devote yourself to your work. But you are hurt. You are quick-tempered, irascible, unpleasant with the customers.You are fed up with the trade of works of art. Uncle Cent suggests you should work in the Paris branch. You settle in Paris in October. But you are miserable. You want to die to yourself. You read the Bible. Your first big mystic crisis. Somehow, you needed something to cling to... You go back home at Christmas, whereas the gallery needs you. But you dont care. You dont enjoy your work anymore. You are no longer appreciated. You are unhappy in Paris. In January, you are told you have three months to leave. Eugénie still tortures your soul. You want to see her again. You decide to return to London. You look for a job. Any... You read job ads in the English papers. At last, you find a job as a coach in Ramsgate, four hours away from London by train. You wouldnt even be paid. Fed and accommodated, thats it.
You arrive in Ramsgate in M. Stockess school, in April. The boarding school is as dreary as you.
You have to teach French, German and Dutch, and look after children. Without any salary which could have allowed you to go to London, or buy anything, whatever it was. You tried to see Eugénie, walking for hours in the cold. You come back exhausted and sick. You needed to talk. To relieve your misery. You wished to be a clergyman. Your job as a coach didnt really match your desire to serve God. You are looking for another situation...